a stained glass variation of the truth
by Mia-Zeklos
Summary: Jace tries to make sense of the events from the night before and the conclusions he comes to aren't the ones he'd been hoping for.


**Notes: Title taken from _Neptune_ by Sleeping At Last.**

 **Obviously, spoilers for 3x03 ahead.**  
 **So... this was meant to be a Jace-centric piece with a side of Alec and then it just... became a Jalec fic instead. I wrote it in one sitting because to be honest, I need them to have a conversation about this at some point _and also_ , while I called the plot twist at the end of the episode a while ago, it still kind of kicked me in the face. So. This is the result. Hope it's enjoyable and feedback is always welcome!**

* * *

He'd been missing the entire night. Izzy had been the first one to say it minutes after he'd come in and then Clary had joined her, and they'd both been equal parts angry and relieved to see him as they'd bombarded him with questions he didn't have an answer to.

Because he _didn't_. When they'd asked, he had told them that he'd looked for the Owl all night and he'd believed it at the time – it was the only logical explanation, after all. His brain had come up with it on the spot and he'd genuinely believed it, even if he had no recollection of whether it was the truth or not.

It had happened before, at several points in the recent past. It hadn't been immediately obvious, but once he'd really thought about it— there had been mornings when he'd found himself at the Institute's front doors with the bone deep conviction that he'd been on a hunt and he'd never questioned it – he was constantly tired and that could make a person slightly dysfunctional, couldn't it, it only made sense that he'd feel a little confused. _It only made sense_.

That was what he'd repeated to himself ever since he'd come to his senses in his room a couple of hours ago – it would all fall into place eventually – but it didn't, not really, not when considering the fact that he didn't have a single memory to speak of from the last eight hours. Even now, in one of the Institute's smaller kitchens where he'd managed to find some much needed solitude, he came up blank.

"Izzy told me you vanished on her last night." When Jace looked up, just about ready to jump out of his chair, Alec's brows furrowed in consternation at the sight of him. "God, Jace, are you okay?"

"Yes." His heart felt like it was ready to burst out of his chest and his hands were clammy and unsteady and yet he was intensely grateful for his parabatai's presence and it was _humiliating_ to know that Alec could feel all of it, but perhaps he would be courteous enough to pretend he hadn't noticed. "Yes. Fine. I already _told_ Izzy all about it. That demon— I didn't want them involved in this."

"And so you decided to hunt down an unknown threat on your own." It wasn't a question. "Jace—"

"Yes, and I failed." He didn't need a reminder, but the irritation was still a good enough distraction. "I'll do better next time."

"There won't be a next time." The statement came so casually, without Alec being even the slightest bit bothered by Jace's look of disbelief at the offhanded refusal. "Tonight we're going to organise a proper hunting party if that's what it takes. I don't want to hear it," he cut him off when Jace made to protest. "If three Shadowhunters on an unsanctioned mission couldn't handle it, then we _all_ need to do better."

"That's reasonable." If Alec was trying to test him, then he would have to prove how reliable he could be, even if it meant aiding himself with a lie or two. Despite the lack of memories, there was an image of a building somewhere in the fog of his mind; maybe it would be enough of a lead. "I can give you all I've got and anyone else who comes—"

"You're staying here." His parabatai sounded just as neutral as before, but the undercurrent of tension Jace could feel through their bond was _telling_ – he wasn't as unperturbed as he would have liked to be. "Since you missed the dinner with Mother last night, she said she would like to speak to both you and Izzy."

"You're banning me from a mission because Maryse wants to have a word?" He'd just been waiting to be provoked, Jace realised now; he'd been looking for an outlet from the frustration that had been bottling up for days now and this was the perfect opportunity. "I'm sure she could do that _before_ the hunt."

"She definitely could, but it's a better excuse than the explanation that I would have given you otherwise." Alec leant in over the table. "Which is that you're not fit for active duty. Clary and Izzy can see it, _I_ can see it, and if you slip up, everyone else will too. Izzy told me that you couldn't sleep and if you don't _tell_ me those things—"

"I didn't tell anyone!" _This is Alec_ , a part of Jace reminded him, _this is safe, **you** are safe_, but it was no good when he already felt like he couldn't trust anyone at all, himself included. "I told Clary yesterday because she insisted and where did that get me? None of it has helped any—"

"None of this is helping either." Alec abandoned the pretence of looking for breakfast and finally met his eyes. "You can still do the monitoring if you'd like, but that's it. The decision is _final_ , unless you take a medical evaluation to prove me wrong."

A medical evaluation would do many things, but it wouldn't prove Alec wrong, that much Jace knew for sure. "No," he said, and it sounded defeated even to his own ears. "No, it's fine. I can handle the monitoring."

"Good to hear." Alec's tone had softened too and now that this was dealt with, something else came up to the surface of his mind, something anxious and restless. It likely had to do with Maryse, given what he'd said earlier – he wouldn't tell him what the problem was if she wanted to speak to him and Izzy personally and so Jace didn't bother asking, opting instead for another pressing matter.

"The night when you," he started just before realising how horrible it would sound, "the night Jocelyn died— what did you remember afterwards?"

The silence that followed the question was _deafening_ , Alec's features twisting into something even more suspicious than before as he contemplated it carefully.

"Nothing," he said at last. "It was just— I remember trying to get the demon to get out of Raj and then standing in the hallway outside of her room with my hands covered in blood."

"Oh." It wasn't quite the same, then, but it was alarmingly similar. "Okay."

Jace got up from the table, more desperate than ever to shield his face as the mere _idea_ of that filled him with revulsion. Just the thought of someone doing something to – _with_ – his body made him feel violated in a way he had never experienced before; not even with all the battles he'd been through.

"Jace." Alec had lowered his voice, as if afraid that they were being listened to. "What the hell is going on?"

"It's nothing." He wouldn't believe him – of course he wouldn't – but the thought of dragging Alec into this mess terrified him more than the mess itself. Alec was right – he would stay in tonight, make sure that the Institute's internal surveillance followed his every move, and if the Owl really was Jonathan (despite Clary and Izzy's insistence, he couldn't give up on the idea; not when it felt like he'd been in close proximity to him just hours prior for some as of yet inexplicable reason), then whoever was to participate in the mission would tell him about it afterwards. Things would sort themselves out, then, one way or another. "You've got a point. It's just— I'm really exhausted."

"That's understandable." Alec didn't trust him to be entirely honest, but he did believe him and for now, that would have to do. Jace felt his parabatai's hand on his shoulder and it was _devastating_ ; fighting to close himself off as efficiently as possible while being so near. In any other situation, he would have turned around and pulled him into an embrace and it took a Herculean effort to hold back now. "If there's anything else you'd like to talk about, I'm here."

Jace gave a curt nod in response, not trusting himself to speak just yet. It was such a simple thing – Alec wasn't even _trying_ very hard, clearly distracted by a dozen other troubles, but his touch was the only real thing in the world; the only anchor after everything else had stopped making sense. Even the constant presence he'd felt before, both through his dreams and outside of them, had quieted down all of a sudden and for the first time in forever, Jace's mind felt _whole_.

"I'll keep that in mind."

There was a quick, reassuring squeeze on his arm; a moment of hesitation as the promise hung suspended between them.

"Please do."

A second later, Alec was gone.


End file.
